In Regards to your Barney Bag...

In keeping my bin of junk around for making terrain, I have noticed it's kind of messy. I have gotten into the habit of holding onto everything and anything, and frequently contemplate strange objects I see on a daily basis for their potential as terrain material. My Barney Bag is overflowing onto my bedroom floor. Frankly, I need a couple much bigger boxes.

And as a slight neat freak, who suffers from anxiety when my home is messy for too long, I have seriously contemplated breaking up with my Barney Bag and just taking the lot of it out to the dumpster for my own satisfaction.

But today, I watched this TED talk:

What Dan Phillips does with the homes he builds in Texas is the same thing I am trying to do with the terrain pieces I'm making at home. I am reclaiming those things I usually throw away, looking at them in a different and interesting light, and making something new and original from it. This is innovation at its finest.

At one point, Dan Phillips tells how he has lots of toilets, so he smashed one with a hammer to create a new tile design. There is a lesson in this; this is how you should be thinking when figuring out what to do with all those tin cans, 2-liter bottles and toilet paper rolls you saved up. Ignore what it was originally made for, break it down, and recreate it. This is how my aluminum soda cans turned into craters. And that wasn't even what they turned into first....

Sponsored in part by Mountain Dew.

I needed a lid for the 10-gallon tank I was keeping my feeder mice in, and I couldn't afford the one they had at the pet store for $20. So, I set out to make my own. All I needed was some kind of netting and a metal frame. The netting came from the plastic netting bags I had leftover from freezer pops. The metal frame came from folded and stapled strips of aluminum from the bodies of soda cans. In order to tighten the netting over the top, I tied the netting taut with tiny strips of aluminum leftover from when I was cutting the cans apart. After all this I was left with the carefully constructed tops and bottoms of soda cans, and when I looked at them, I saw craters.

Remember that game you played as a kid, where different colored carpets or tiles were different kinds of terrain? For instance, maybe you couldn't step on the black tiles because they were pitfalls, so you had to go across the kitchen on the white tiles. I myself had a childhood home where all of the carpets in each of the rooms was a different color. My brother's bedroom was blue (ocean), the living room was brown (desert), our parents' bedroom was green (grassland/forest), the kitchen was white linoleum (ice), and my and my sister's bedroom was pink (lava). Changing the environment simply by imagining it was different, made it different. We interacted with the world in a whole new way. This is how homemade terrain works; you imagine your junk is different, and then you MAKE it different.

Another great tip from Mr. Phillips here: when you have a whole bunch of something, it doesn't matter what that is, as long as you can make a pattern of it, you can work with it. How this applies to terrain: let me share with you a piece I just started on. At my job, I deal with a lot of boxes, and some companies are pretty meticulous about their packaging. Once company in particular had a box full of a certain toy and, for whatever reason, it was imperative that the corners of these toys not be dented or crushed. So, on each corner of every box, there was a hard, black, plastic cap.

These were interesting to me, and there were a lot of them, so instead of throwing them away, I stacked them up and stashed them in my bag. After playing with them at home for a few minutes, I came up with this:

Do you see it? Soon, it will be a ruins piece. I thought maybe I would make pyramids or building roofs out of them, but none of that seemed to be working. But, since I had a whole bunch of them, I was able to create a pattern with them. If I get enough, I can probably make a whole series of ruins pieces just like this. Of course, it's not going to look like the ruins GW puts out, but who's to say it has to? It can be homemade and still be functional and aesthetically pleasing. Just pick a pattern and stick with it.

When he talks about the Apollonian perspective versus the Dionysian perspective, I think it's pretty clear where we fall in this dichotomy...

Apollonian : GW :: Dionysian : Homemade Terrain

For those of us who play, we have an image in our head of picture-perfect terrain pieces. In fact, if we have our codex in hand, the picture is right in front of our face. GW does make some amazing and beautiful terrain, I will give them that, and when making terrain we all try to live up to their example and emulate their style. But it is not always necessary to follow their mold. The reason they are able to come up with such amazing terrain in the first place, the way they make their molds, is by being innovative and creative. So when making terrain, it's best really to throw the GW molds out of your mind and start from the ground up. Granted, sometimes they offer some great inspirations and supplemental ideas, but that's all they should be when making homemade terrain: supplements. The innovation, the mold, needs to come from you. I have used GW ideas as supplements before (i.e.: the shingled roof idea I got from a GW terrain-making book), but the overall building designs are my own.

Even in Phillips's talk, he references Maslow's heirarchy of needs. Keep this in mind when you're making terrain too. The basic purpose of terrain is to enhance game play: you need to be able to fit models on, in, and around it; it needs to be to a reasonable scale; it needs to stay on the table and not fall over easily; it needs to be secure. How good it looks standing next to a GW-made terrain piece, and how cool you'll look to others using it on your table, is one of the last things you'll need to worry about. Don't let your own vanity hamper your terrain-making experience. If your first few tries are kind of messy, who cares? As long as it works.

And even if you have some failures - and Phillips confesses his own share of flops - you don't need to stop. At some point, maybe you'll try something of your own and end up with a sopping wet pile of newspaper and pipe cleaners and bemoan all the time and materials you've wasted. It's okay. Even if you didn't get what you wanted out of it, it is these experiences that we learn the most from. So pipe cleaners just aren't strong enough for that? Well, maybe then you can try using them for this... Move on, keep experimenting.

After watching this video, I now feel a lot better about that pile of garbage on my floor. It actually put me in the mood to make a rag bag. Which I would do, but I don't have enough disposable time to sew a bunch of rags together by hand. One day, a sewing machine, then, the world...

Homemade Warhammer 40k Terrain: Pt. 3

As promised, here's how you make craters!

For this terrain piece, you will need:

• Aluminum soda can
• Scissors
• Scotch tape
• Cardboard
• Newspaper
• Flour
• Bowl or pan
• Acrylic paint

Craters

Step 1: Set-up
The first step is to take your aluminum can and cut the bottom out of it. Aluminum cans are relatively easy to cut with a good pair of scissors, but be careful: it's easy to cut yourself or get a nasty metal splinter doing this. Once your aluminum bottom is cut out, find an appropriately sized piece of cardboard to serve as the base.

Next, cut the base to the size you want for the base of the crater.

Once this is done, use Scotch tape to secure the can bottom to the cardboard. This doesn't need to be completely sealed off and unbreakable; again, like with your box houses, this is just a frame.

Step 2: Paper Mache
Next, prepare your paper mache material. You can find instructions for this in my previous blog. Pinching then end of each strip to the center or inside edge of the can bottom with your thumb, wrap each newspaper strip around the edge of the crater and under the bottom. While the newspaper will not stick very well to the aluminum, it will stick to other strips of newspaper as you go along, so just hold it in place for a while. Be careful how much newspaper you clump in the middle; if you layer it too many times, you will have a very shallow and unimpressive crater. For this reason, I only recommend one layer of newspaper for this terrain piece.

Once you're finished with this part, you'll notice the crater looks a little flat.

In order to add some realistic texture, add about four or five more strips of newspaper around the edge, but this time pinch them along the side in order to create some wrinkles as you secure the strip.

Now you're cooking. When setting your craters out to dry, do not leave them on your counter or newspaper covering. Because you paper mached the bottom, if the crater dries on newspaper or countertop, it will stick or leave a crusty film behind. Use a cookie sheet.

Step 3: Painting
Once dried, you are ready to paint. Like painting models, you should paint your craters with three colors. Use one medium color to paint the entire piece, one darker shade of that color to paint in the shadows and crevices, and a lighter hue of that same medium color to dry brush the whole piece to bring out the highlights in it. You can use whatever colors you think are appropriate for your table/theme, but for mine I just used shades of brown. Once done, your crater should look something like this:

If you want to add a little extra texture to your piece, you can always add GW gravel around the edge of the piece, or perhaps in the center. Another interesting accent would be to use leftover bits to show Space Marine/Tyranid/Eldar/etc. remains in the center of the crater, as if they were hit by a bombshell. If you have water effects, you can also fill the crater with water. A large enough crater like this filled with water effects could also serve as a lake.

Homemade Warhammer 40k Terrain: Pt. 2

Sorry it took so long. I was busy finishing school and keeping my job. But thanks to my readers Kala and Liam, I was reminded that some people might actually find this information particularly useful for the holiday season. If you haven't thought of a gift for your Warhammer-loving family and friends, have no fear, here are a couple of terrain ideas you can create for them in an afternoon!

Houses and Buildings

Houses and simple buildings are really easy, since they're pretty much just painted boxes. This is a good place to start with your terrain project. You will need:

• A small box (dimensions somewhere around 2"x3"x4". In my example I use a 3"x3.25"x4" box.)
• Scotch tape
• Elmer's glue
• Acrylic paint
• Scissors
• Newspaper
• Flour
• Pan or bowl
• GW grass, gravel, or other terrain materials (optional)

Step 1: The Frame
To begin, select your box. This will be the frame of your building. For this we will be starting with a simple rectangular prism building with a simple, even roof. Open up the flaps on either the top or bottom of the box (if available) and measure out equal lengths for the flaps. Shorter sides will make a more shallow roof, longer sides will make a steeper roof. It's up to you how you want the design to come out.

For my measurements, the sides of my roof were 2.5".

Tape the two sides together at the desired angle. If you have inside flaps, pull them out and trim them as appropriate and tape them to secure the sides of you roof. This doesn't need to be too neat and tidy. Remember, this is just the frame of your building.

Step 2: Paper Mache
If you don't remember paper mache crafts from kindergarten, the formula is really quite simple: 2 parts water, one part flour. A pinch of salt (optional) will help prevent mold.

I was at first using this large metal mixing bowl, but I found later on my 8" round pan was a little more comfortable to use.

Stir these together in a large bowl or pan until the mixture is smooth and milky.

Before you begin actually applying the paper mache, create a stockpile of strips of newspaper (about 1" wide, 3-6" long). Once your hands are covered in this mixture, you're not going to want to keep going to wash them off just to tear up more newspaper. How many strips of newspaper you'll need depends on how thick you want your building to be, and how long you're willing to wait to let your building dry before painting.

So now, the fun part: getting you hands dirty. Let a strip of newspaper soak in the mixture, then pull it out, gently run it through your fingers to get off excess mixture, and apply the strip to your building frame.

Continue doing this until the building is completely covered. Personally, I just use one layer paper mache, but depending on the strength of your box and how sturdy you want your building to be, you may want more layers. When done, your building should look something like this:

Now you need to let the building dry. This takes a couple hours. While you're waiting, you can set up more buildings or terrain pieces for later completion. I find it useful to do these buildings in waves, maybe five at a time, so that once I've applied paper mache to one set, the next set is dry and ready to be decorated.

Step 3: Decorating
This part demands the most creativity on your part. Depending on your table design, army, or theme, you may want to look at real buildings to get an idea of what kind of decorations and colors you want on your building. For this, I stuck with very simple, almost medieval designs, and painted them very quickly.

I played with a few different ideas (wood paneling, concrete brick, wooden frame accents, stone trim, shingled roof), but you can always do much, much more with your building. You may wish to create functioning, hinged doors. You may want to use clear plasticard to create real see-through windows and paint inside and install tiny furniture. Perhaps you have a small wooden block to use as a chimney. Maybe you want to cut your building in half and paint it as a ruins piece. It's really up to you, and the possibilities are endless.

One idea I used in these models, that I would like to continue to use in the future, was wooden coffee stirrers as framing accents (see the two buildings on the left). When I ran out of coffee stirrers, I also found that thin strips of cereal box cardboard worked well too. All you need to do is paint them, measure and cut them to fit the length of the building, and glue them into place.

Another excellent effect I used in these models was the shingled roof. For this effect, simply cut 1" strips of construction paper the length of your roof and make cuts 0.5" deep about every half inch along the length of each strip. Then, starting at the base of your roof, glue each strip down with the cut side facing the ground, each one overlapping the next. Glue down one solid strip over the top like the binding of a book to add a clean finish.

I have a few other ideas I'd like to try out, so as I continue making buildings like these, I'll share different techniques.

Step 4: A Base
This step is not entirely necessary, but it can add a little extra flair to your terrain. First, cut out a piece of cardboard for the base. Thin cereal box cardboard will do. Mark where you will be placing the building so you don't waste any material on that section. You can paint the base a different color than Cardboard Brown, but for my first attempt at this I stuck with the cardboard's natural color. Using a paintbrush or sponge, spread Elmer's glue around on the area you wish to apply your gravel/grass/snow. Sprinkle the terrain material on the glued area liberally, and wait for it to dry some. Once it has dried, which should only take a minute or so, dump your excess gravel/grass/snow back into its container. It's just like applying glitter. Once this is done, you must glue your building onto the base, then you're done.

Depending on how thorough you are, you may want to trim the edge of the base off if you were unable to get the terrain material to stick. In this model I did just that, and then glued some rubble in place to accent the stone trim on the building. Such accents can add some spice to the game as well; in this case, anyone trying to obtain cover from certain sides of this building will probably have to pass a difficult terrain check in order to leave the cover.

So, see what you can do with your buildings and start trying this out. Hopefully Kala and Liam will post some pictures of the terrain they make for their dad for Christmas.

In my next post, I'll show you how to make simple craters.

Metal and Masculinity: Pt. 2

Here's the second part of "Metal: A Headbanger's Journey" about gender and sexuality. I would like to examine a couple points in this documentary and expand on them a bit.

Sam: "And of course the big debate perhaps is that groupies are percieved as being objectified and powerless--"

Pamela: "That is so lame! Because they're exactly where they want to be. Women who are hanging out with bands are not dragged and coerced into the bands' bedrooms or back stage or buses or anything. They want to be there. They make every effort in the world to get where they can be with these bands, and they're doing exactly what they want to do."

The assumption that groupies are objectified and powerless is, in and of itself, a sexist sentiment. It assumes women aren't sexual beings, don't want to be sexualized, that they all aspire to the ideal of the proverbial virgin. If anything, the people being objectified as sexual objects in this relationship are the male performers. They're the ones who are the sexual trophy, they're the ones being conquered by these women. To assume that this can't happen is also a sexist sentiment. It assumes that all men want lots of sex, which may not always be the case.

"And then finally you start realizing, shit, this is a job too. You know? It's a business. It's not just constant partying."

"When I got off the road and I decided I was done, it took me a long time to be able to embrace a woman, with any integrity at all; they were all pigs. And you start to, you know, it, a lot of these guys, you know, are still headfucked about it. You know what I mean? A lot of these guys still try to live that lifestyle because they don't know anything else. But, you know, you become a product of that environment."

Vince Neil of Mötley Crüe (first quote above) seems to have been horribly impacted by the "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll" philosophy. His name is associated not only with the band, but with sex tapes and multiple accusations of assault on sex workers. It would be hard to argue this has no relationship to the lifestyle he maintained in his band. Having a 24/7 all-you-can-eat buffet of women may have made it very difficult for him to mature and adapt to normal society, and in a way he was a victim of that lifestyle. Much like how women sex workers may start stereotyping all men as pigs, heavy metal artists who were constantly exposed to sexually driven women may have lost respect for all women. With such a loss of respect comes consequences.

I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that heavy metal and rock 'n' roll are the devil's music, and bad for everyone, and should be banned. Absolutely not. But I would suggest that, when it comes to the sex part of "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll", all parties have a responsibility to consider the gender consequences of their actions. Treating men as sexual objects is playing into patriarchy in just the same way as the objectification of women is.

"When we get on stage, people give us a great deal of respect, which is fantastic. But, um, I've been in bands before Girlschool, but I've been on stage, people asking me if I'm 'tuning the guitar for the guitarist' or, you know, that sort of patronizing comment. 'Cause they don't expect a female to get up and play guitar. But, you know, that's the way it's always been."

That's one thing that metalheads pride themselves in, is that they're equal-opportunity, and show a great deal of respect for people who participate but are not the mainstream. This doesn't just apply to women; when non-whites begin participating, the community is enthusiastic and embracing, and shows a great deal of respect toward them. At the same time, there's always the risk of tokenizing them.

When I suggest metal is a "celebration of masculinity" one of the first things opponents do is point to females in bands. They completely disregard the fact that these women are respected specifically because they perform as men, that they demonstrate and embody masculinity. If they don't embody masculinity, if they speak of women's issues and the experience of girls, if they demonstrate any sort of femininity, they are rejected, in the same way nü metal and hardcore bands are. Take for instance the band Kittie, who frequently speak directly to female listeners in their lyrics. Like Slipknot, this band is not taken very seriously by metal purists, and often rejected from the genre entirely. While they don't get called "pussies" or "fag music" like a male band might, you might hear someone say "they don't count."

"They tried to put me a little bit more into the, you know, female sexy image, but without power. And I didn't like that. And the people at the record company said, 'Get rid of the black leather. That's number one. Be more of a girl.' And I said, 'Oh no no no no no I can't, you know, I can't do it. And I don't want to do it. I definitely want to, you know, be myself.'"

So while fans love to see women "wearing the pants" in metal, that's not to say they haven't faced resistance in the scene. Record labels know that sex sells, so the assumption is that, if you have a female artist, you need to sexualize them to make bank. Even the members of Kittie feel pressured to look good in order to be successful. This is a conflict male performers don't really have to deal with. But for the women in metal, they find themselves more successful when they resist being turned into sexual objected, and, I would argue, would fail or be rejected if they gave in.

Sam: "Is having kind of a tough persona on stage, is that important to you"

Angela: "Yeah, yeah. Because I am tough on stage. You know? I feel very strong on stage, and I want to give that to the people in front of that stage. If you can just have a lot of strength and power, and want to give it to these people and they take a bit of that home."

Even though they are women on the stage, in a way they are still participating in homosociality, in that they emulate masculinity for a masculine audience (regardless whether the audience members are male or female). The main goal is to share that masculinity, that power, that rebellion, that freedom, with the audience. It doesn't matter what the sex of the performer is.

Metal and Masculinity: Pt. 1

Here is a clip from Sam Dunn's documentary "Metal: A Headbanger's Journey" that explores gender and sexuality in heavy metal culture. If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend watching this documentary in full, but for the purposes of class, I'm just going to share the gender/sexuality parts with you.



I would like to examine a couple points in this documentary and expand on them a bit.

"Heavy metal has always traditionally been male-dominated. Fact. It was a boy's club, in the way that the music was very aggressive and wasn't particularly sympathetic towards getting a female audience. It wasn't excluding them deliberately, but it's the way it went."

Here, note that he is speaking of the unintentional isolation of women from the metal culture in the past tense. While women aren't anywhere near equally represented in the culture today, it's much better than it once was. In the '80s, perhaps 10% (Dee Snyder's estimation) of the audience was female (and many of them stood on the sidelines, "holding their boyfriends' jackets"), you now have closer to (in my estimation) 30% of the fanbase female. Even in some of the more abrasive genres, you're starting to see a lot more women at these shows fully participating. The last time I went to see Amon Amarth (death metal, gutteral vocals, viking warrior-themed), 1/3 of the audience, easily, was female, which I found very surprising. Many female-lead bands, such as Arch Enemy and Nightwish, have fan bases that are more predominantly female.

In the last 20-30 years, the shift in gender roles in our culture has made the masculine themes of heavy metal much more accessible to women. With more and more families composed of two working parents, and women playing a bigger role in the workplace as they fulfill their career aspirations, the strong music and "working-class ethos" of the metal culture are not as foreign to the female audience as they once were. Male fans are generally very welcoming of this shift, and, though they respond with surprise when they see a woman in a mosh pit or spewing growling vocals, they praise and encourage the participation, rather than shoving them out of the action or booing them off stage.

Whereas, it could be argued, emo music has feminized men and created a "crisis of masculinity", metal is starting to do the complete opposite, masculinizing women. But no one is calling this a "crisis of feminity" because if women are giving up their femininity and starting to act more like men, nothing of value is lost. I would also argue that metal isn't what's changing women in our culture; the changing fanbase is just a reflection of paradigm shifts in our culture. Similarly, with emo, I would argue that men in our culture are becoming more feminized for other reasons, and then gravitate toward emo, not the other way around.

"So strength is one of the elements [of metal], but also using tools very effectively is another part of that working-class, masculine ethos."

This was particularly interesting to me, and I had never thought of it this way before. Despite its rough outer appearance, heavy metal is extremely sophisticated musically. Performers should be able to play riffs, solos, improvise, etc. Back stage, they have a very tender, affectionate relationship with their instruments, and treat them almost as if they were their babies. If you are NOT able to achieve the high level of skill expected of a metal musician, you are ridiculed and feminized. Bands that call themselves metal, but aren't very good, are rejected by purist fans and sequestered to "lesser" genres such as hardcore, punk, and so-called nü metal. These genres are often ridiculed, assumed to be compensating, called gay, their fans called fags, and generally seen as outside of the masculine metal box. This isn't because the bands are considered "girly" or anything, however. It is because they lack skill, and are therefore seen as weaker, inferior. If they try to call themselves metal (or if anyone else tries to call them metal), they are put in their place quickly.

Note, that metalheads don't feminize/ridicule all musicians and fans of these genres necessarily. It is only when the fans and musicians attempt to catagorize these lesser musics as metal that the hostility shows. For example, no one at Metal Club would ridicule me for having Sum 41 or Linkin Park in my music library. They would, however, berate me if I tried to play their music at a club meeting as a means of claiming it as part of the genre.

"If you want to call it sexist, you could, but you'd be missing something. Masculine in Western culture means freedom. And women are always trying to tie them down and domesticate them, so that's part of the masculinity element"

Given this statement, it's easy to understand how metal became so obsessed with Satanism. Satan is not seen as an evil force (except perhaps in the roots of some of the earliest bands like Black Sabbath and Rainbow) so much as a great symbol of rebellion against an oppressive (in this context, feminine) God. In Viking metal, the phrase "The White Christ" doesn't imply purity; it implies cowardice and weakness. Satan is glorified as a rebel; case in point, Symphony X's "Paradise Lost" and the Norwegian black metal scene.

"Metal is probably the last bastion of real rebellion, real masculinity, real men getting together and basically beating their chests."

Notice that this member of Slipknot is saying this over clips of hardcore dancers "moshing" in a pit. The irony of this is that Slipknot is one of those nü metal bands that any metalhead worth his salt will tell you is pussy music, and that the kind of so-called "moshing" shown is a hardcore style of moshing (2-stepping, windmills, "hardcore dancing") that is not generally acceptable in purist metalhead circles. The dance style is more aimed at inflicting harm on others and deflecting self-injury, rather than real moshing which simulates diving into combat head-on, a style of dance that almost encourages you to get so rough that you hurt yourself. Indeed, I have seen people get injured and bloodied during mosh pits, only to later show off their wounds and receive high-fives and horn salutes for their brutality. The message here is that to really be masculine, you can't be afraid of pain. Interestingly, the message also seems to be that masculinity doesn't mean going out of your way to hurt others (unless of course your willing to sustain injury yourself).

And while I'm on the note of bashing Slipknot: he also says here, "Yeah, I love women and I'm totally respectful to them, but at the same time I'm a guy. I like hanging out with guys and doing dumb shit." I'm not really sure what he means when he says he respects women, since this statement is coming from a guy who dehumanizes his entire fanbase by calling them "maggots". He also equates masculinity with "doing dumb shit" which, honestly, isn't all that respectful of men either. If anything, it seems to me he confuses boyishness with masculinity. These are arguably not the same thing.

"I don't know how to explain it. I never questioned my sexuality at any point, and I was up there in lingerie! And my wife, then girlfriend, she was the one dressing me up half the time. I was going 'Okay, great, whatever. Stockings? Let's do it. It's gonna get more attention, it's gonna get me in trouble, let's do it. Gonna freak people out? Fuck yeah!'"

"What are you going to do if you want to rebel, as a man? You gonna get an even more severe suit than your dad? You know? You can't go that direction, but you can genderbend... so that being feminine is the most masculine thing that you can do in this world."

Tales of rebellion are part of the warrior stories that are central to the expression of masculinity. We live in a period of relative peace, in a world where we don't have to fight and kill on a regular basis to defend our home or feed our family. Themes of rebellion in metal are not always about fighting a righteous battle, such as in Iced Earth's "The Glorious Burden". In metal, musicians that dress in women's clothing and sing about Satan probably don't see themselves as oppressed, so much as they see themselves as having fun by picking a fight with cultural expectations. This can be seen in the attitudes expressed by glam metal and shock rock artists like Dee Snyder here.

When I talk about metal being a "celebration of masculinity", opponents often cite either token female artists, or glam metal. In a sort of reverse-psychology sort of way, being feminine is an expression of masculinity, in that it is an act of rebellion against gender norms, and also that a man must be very secure with his masculinity in order to emulate feminine characteristics.

"Heavy metal/rock 'n' roll is very masculine, very hetero. When a guy's up there in his skin-tight pair of leather pants and he's humping the air, they're not looking at it as, 'Awe man, he's shaking his dick at me!' They look at it as, 'Yeah man, yeah, fuck that chick. Whoa, man, I wish I was him; he must be getting laid!'"

Metal (today, at least) isn't overtly hostile toward homosexuality. When Rob Halford reunited with Judas Priest, he was welcomed with open arms. The gay guitarist in Dragonforce is sometimes teased for his sexuality, even on stage by other band members in front of a live audience, but the tone isn't any worse than any other homosocial interactions.

The phenomenon of males viewing other strutting males is another form of homosociality just like any other; there's nothing homosexual about it, as Dee Snyder confusedly seems to think ("Some doctors need to look into this. [laughs]"). I think, when compared to hip-hop, it's a much more healthy expression of masculinity, in that it never uses the commodification of women in order to achieve masculinity. If it does, it's very rare, and it's not in the same tone as hip-hop where men see women as "bitches and hoes". Listen to the lyrics of Mötley Crüe's "Girls, Girls, Girls" and you'll notice it's more about men taking pleasure in the female form, and even romance: "Girls, Girls, Girls / Long legs and burgundy lips... Dancin' down on Sunset Strip... Have you read the news / In the Soho Tribune / Ya know she did me / Well then she broke my heart."

New Grads Employed... For Free

I've been very busy this summer trying to find a job. Fortunately, I've managed to find meaningful and beneficial employment. Unfortunately, I won't be getting paid for it.

I have found it next to impossible to find a job so much as serving hotdogs at a convenience store. While my dad doubts my devotion to this endeavor (I certainly don't go out job hunting with a gleeful hop to my step), I'm not the only student having a hard time finding enough work to pay the bills. Several recent graduates I know spent the summer months trying to find a job -- any job -- just so they didn't have to move back in with their parents, but to no avail. Most of them chose an increasingly popular option in this tough economy and went on to grad school. By doing this, they hold off on having to start their career or pay off their student loans, but they will also be piling on their debt. Hopefully the economy won't be so abysmal that they'll have to hang their Master's degree in their old bedroom in their parents' house later on.

As tempting as I find grad school, I am hesitant to continue building my debt. Besides that, I'm tired of living on Ramen noodles and would like to start my career and earn some money. I'd be happy with $20,000 a year if I could find it in the field I want, but right now the field I want to be in is offering $0 a year.

Part of my problem is that I want a government or nonprofit job. With the economy the way it is, these are the first jobs to suffer from major budget cuts. But, at least with nonprofits, because of the critically important role these companies often play in their communities, they are desperate to get whatever help they can find to fill in the gaps made by lay-offs.

Since I couldn't find a paying job, I started sending my resume out to places I might like to volunteer with, if only for the chance it might get my foot in the door for permanent employment later. I managed to find several opportunities, first leading writing workshops at the Central Florida Boys Town through the Literary Arts Partnership at UCF, then teaching financial responsibility classes at The BETA Center. But I go into this knowing it's a gamble.

I'm betting on coming out of this semester with a diploma in one hand and a shiny resume in the other, and getting gobbled up by the first employer I approach. But if the economy doesn't pick up steam by December, I might just be another one of those new graduates going home to mommy and wondering how to pay off all my loans. I know there are plenty of openings in the field, since there were so many lay-offs. It's just a matter of the economy picking up enough that these nonprofits are able to fill those gaps again.

Right now, the way they're filling those gaps is with unpaid labor. I can't blame nonprofits for doing this. While the ethics of using unpaid labor to do what should be paid work is questionable, to hold this against nonprofits is like filing copyright lawsuits against the library. At least at the BETA Center, many of their employees work on a voluntary basis anyway, so an unpaid internship there is pretty much the same thing, except more valuable experience (i.e.: I won't be working the front desk).

I'm milking this internship for all it's worth. I'm only teaching for about 3 hours a week, so there will be plenty of time to find other opportunities to contribute to the organization. For example, many of their art programs had to be cut, so I'm working on setting up a couple of those free writing workshops provided by the Literary Arts Partnership at UCF. I am fully prepared to do everything in my power to contribute to this cause; first because it's a good cause, and second because it never hurts to sell yourself as invaluable.

I can even add "Devotion" to my list of skills on that shiny new resume in a couple of months.

God, and the Chain Letters of his Followers

Every so often, I'll open my email or cell phone and find a message from my mother or another family member. In it will be dancing .gifs or a prayer, and of course the requisite promise of "something good" happening to me in 7/9/111/777 minutes if I send it to a certain number of people I love.

It goes without saying I don't find these messages particularly touching. I do not feel inclined to scold my family for sending them — after all, they just want me to know they care about me — but I do wish they didn't waste space in my mailbox with them.

As an atheist, I feel some people need an etiquette lesson on the sharing of religious messages. Most non-religious individuals don't respond aggressively when someone says "God bless you" when they sneeze, but that's not to say it isn't offensive to them. Most atheists I know don't object to religious sentiments, and allow them to be expressed uninterrupted. It is pretty well accepted that Christianity is the dominant religion in our culture (not to be confused the the erroneous assertion that this is a "Christian nation"), and that we should be tolerant of minor expressions such as these. It's not as though we expect every stranger on the street to know we don't follow their religion, and that they should adjust their behavior to accomodate for our preferences. We're definitely more reasonable than that.

But when it comes to friends and family, who know of our non-belief, religious sentiments and messages directed at us always come with a certain degree of utter disrespect.

I do not mean to discount the good-hearted intentions of the people who love their atheistic family just the same. It is because of that love that most atheists keep quiet about these offenses. I for one completely understand my mother believes what she is doing is a good thing, that for her to tell me how she prays for me and wishes I would turn to God is her way of showing she cares. She really means no harm by it, and in what she is doing, there really is very little harm being done. But if it were a friend doing this, I probably wouldn't hang around with them very long.

Telling an atheist they should turn to God in their time of need is disrespectful. You are telling that person they are not in control of their lives, that they cannot help themselves, and, worst of all, that they are a very wrongly confused individual. Atheists don't mind being told that they are wrong, but to tell them they are wrong without showing any real evidence is like spitting in their face. And, let's not even have this debate, there is no real or rational evidence in the world you can present to prove the existence or potentness of God. Unless your atheist family is shoving atheism down your throat (which is something I for one would never do to family), this kind of behavior is completely uncalled for. 

If you have any respect for your loved ones, by all means go on and tell them you love them. But you don't have to invoke God to do that. Atheists love love as much as non-atheists do, and it will mean a lot more to them to know that you care about them no matter what, than that a God they don't believe in loves them no matter what.

The Lost Economics of Generosity

I don't want to be a bitter person. I like sharing my wealth, my food, my toys, my home. I do genuinely enjoy giving. When I bake a batch of cookies, I am sincerely disappointed when I don't have half a dozen friends over to share them with. At Yuletide, I'm more heartbroken when I can't give, than when I'm given nothing.

But damn it all, if bitterness isn't sometimes an appealing prospect.

If there is one thing I've learned in psychology, it's that there's no such thing as altruism. Anyone who erroneously believes in true altruism is a fool (read: Democrats). We do favors and are generous because we necessarily expect something in return. Instead of money, favors are the more malleable currency of "altruism." It is an informal trade system, and I'm starting to think the world has forgotten how it works.

Maybe it's because I grew up in the country. There, the neighbor you can count on for a couple of eggs or a cup of sugar may call on you next week to pull their truck out of the muddy road after a bad storm. Rural areas often have a culture of favor trading, because there are few other places you can turn to when in need, due to your consequent isolation. Perhaps it is because of the apparent wealth and resources of urban life that we seem to be forgetting the art of favor trading.

For instance, if a friend of my partner is having computer problems, they will sooner pay (and be horribly overcharged by) a professional than call on him to cash in a favor he owes them. The currency of the city is money, and favors are rarely cashed in. Moreover, for those of us who engage in favor trading regularly, it is sometimes difficult to cash in those chips, like presenting Deutschmarks in Spain.

Example: I call in a lot of favors from friends. A lot more than I honestly like. In the last four years, I have paid back only two favors — once transporting a mattress, and once pushing a broken-down car home. I was ecstatic to make good on these informal I.O.U.s (though I still owe both these good folks many more favors). I often think back to these moments, greatly satisfied with the knowledge that, for once, I was able to be there for them.

On the flip side: I'm not going to lie, I'm fucking starving right now. I ate nothing but buttered toast and chewable vitamins yesterday, and our attempt to get a pizza today fizzled. What I wouldn't give for a proper meal. Several months ago, however, my roommate was in a similar situation while between jobs. Having just gotten my financial aid in, and for once being comfortable enough to be a little generous, I offered to help her out with groceries so she could get through the next week or two. I didn't let her get to the point of starvation. Frankly, I will not have that happening under my roof if I can help it. Needless to say, the favor has not been adequately returned, and I am not convinced it's for lack of ability, with as much food and money as she wastes under our noses.

It is extremely frustrating when favors aren't cashed in, or if favors cannot be cashed in. When good people ask for favors, they want to pay that favor back. If not, they are merely mooches. When good people give favors, it is expected that they can get a favor (or at least sympathy) when they are in need. If their cries for help fall on deaf ears, they naturally feel fucked.

Enter: bitterness.

I have met too many people who are callous toward even the idea of "handouts" (read: Republicans). These are the people who fail to recognize this apparent altruism as just another form of trade or barter. In short, you do get something back for all your giving. I do not believe this hostility is at all healthy for our society, since favors are the original, natural currency of humanity.

Source: Charity Navigator

This hostility is bred by people who invest their "handouts"/"altruism" poorly, then never manage to get over it. It's the equivalent of a stock broker making one bad investment, then turning on his profession forever. People should invest their generosity in people they know would return the favor (regardless of how quickly they actually can). When able, people should invest their charity in organizations and programs they know (as personally as possible) produce results. There is nothing greedy about expecting returns on investments; the greed is in hoarding.

Popular, mythological perception of how karma works

But there is also an element of tragedy in seeing someone who is unwilling to — nay, terrified of — being generous. It hurts when good karma doesn't come back around to you, when all that "paying forward" results in net loss, and when that stack of uncashed I.O.U.s can't even buy you a loaf of bread in hard times. Once-generous people carry the bite marks of perceived mooches as personal battle scars, sometimes for as long as they live. Their range of willingness continues to wither over the years until they're not willing to reach out much farther than their closest friends and relatives.

They will be hard-pressed to truly know the joy that often comes with giving. In fact, their response to giving is more akin to PTSD. I was once in a car with someone very close, driving to Orlando, when we reached a toll. I convinced the driver to pay the toll of the person behind us, something I had always wanted to do. He was also in a dour mood at the time, so I thought it might make him feel better. Instead, as he drove away, I watched a bizarre cocktail of emotional reactions. First, he sped off, nervous and fearful that the other driver would be angry at what he had done. Before I really had a chance to grasp the complete absurdity of his fear, his mood switched to anger and indignation when he received no acknowledgment or gratitude from the other driver. His response struck me as deeply tragic, and I have had difficulty seeing this man as anything more than a broken human since.

It is, I believe, the natural state for random acts of kindness to be a warm experience for both the giving and receiving parties. Any other response is indicative of sociopathy, or some other psychological abnormality. While karma is as much religious mumbo-jumbo as Jesus or Buddha, the simulation of favor trading via random acts of kindness, even if in a somewhat religious fashion, is a healthy hobby to engage in (in moderation, of course).

This is not to say I refute my previous assertion that altruism is a lie. I'm simply saying that giving should feel good. When people stray from their erroneous faith in altruism and into an emotional blockade against the giving of so-called handouts, something has clearly broken in their social tapestry.

That said, one should neither give blindly, nor hoard endlessly. Giving to mooches and ineffective charities alike is like buying blood diamonds or recalled food; it's bad social investment. I resent the kind of people who give to massive charities with the goal of gaining nothing more than posterity, making such folks no better than the hoarders. They are often worse than the hoarders, wearing their charity like jewelry, accenting their vanity. Blindly donating to whatever charity is most convenient, popular, or, often, most pushy, is wasteful spending — there ARE bad charities. On a micro scale, many individuals are guilty of the buying of these modern-day plenary indulgences by feeding the panhandlers who feed on their unfounded guilt. On a larger scale, many major organization (like college sororities and fraternities) and large businesses (such as Publix) wave their charity flags like they're some cheap gimmick.

Source: Charity Navigator

 Hoarders are guilty just the same, but those who accuse them of greed are a dime a dozen, so I'll try to be brief: No matter who you are, you have a moral obligation to give. This statement would make Ayn Rand roll in her grave, but hear me out, I assure you it has a rational, objective basis. We are social animals and, as such, it is impossible to mature to adulthood without benefitting from either charity or the personal generosity of others. If you mature and become successful, you cannot be the sole cause of your own success. If you truly believe your success is entirely yours, I can't imagine you have any friends, since you can't invite anyone into your home for the size of your head. 

I do not mean to incite the unfounded guilt that provokes so many of the blind givers to atone for their wealth and success by giving pocket change to hobos and bell-ringers. Indeed, the wealthy and successful should be so proud of their status that they wish for everyone to have what they have (but, of course, not to the point where they have too much competition... no need to give away all your secrets to success). The key to fulfilling one's moral obligation to give is to choose your cause the way you choose your car or house: carefully, and with lots of research and shopping around. As I stated before, there ARE bad charities, and such money holes should be avoided. A good way to ensure that your charity or cause is good is to choose one that has positively affected you, or directly affected someone important to you. Of course such a choice is anecdotal and emotionally driven, and may deserve a little more research, but such charity is both rewarding and helps to create more success stories like your own. For example, my charity of choice is the Family Resources Runaway Shelter, and I derive great satisfaction from being able to give back to the people who gave so much to me in my most difficult years.

Well, karma is just superstition, but at least it's one of the fun superstitions
For the most hardened or blessed, finding a cause to rally behind with passion may take some soul-searching. But note that passion is not necessarily derived from suffering, and suffering does not necessarily deprive one of passions. There are always those in our lives who have had a positive, dynamic impact on us; some just have to look deeper to find them.

I Can't Write If I Can't THINK REVISED

I would like to revise some of my previous assertions that I simply can't write if I can't think due to hunger.

In fact, it seems as though I come up with my best ideas when I am most hungry and malnourished. Which is convenient, since I'm a writer.

I'm not sure how the science behind this works - I'm sure if I read some research on the psychological effects of fasting I may find my answer. Regardless, I would like to relay my observed patterns of hunger and creativity to my readership

Homemade Warhammer 40k Terrain, Pt. 1

Alright, so: who wants to learn how to make homemade terrain, on the cheap?

I was inspired to start making terrain after watching Jesse himself attempting (and horribly failing) to create ruins from cardboard boxes. From what I've done so far, I'm pretty sure I've put his mutilated cereal boxes thoroughly to shame.

If you want to start making homemade 40k terrain, you're going to have to start doing some collecting/recycling. Get a large box, garbage can, or some kind of bin and set it aside somewhere not far from your normal garbage can. This is a pretty fun part, because it gives you free reign to be a slob for a while. Start collecting EVERYTHING you think you might be able to use for terrain pieces. Soda cans, paper towel tubes, old socks, cottage cheese containers -- you name it, it goes in there. I've even gone as far as to pick up some odds and ends I find lying around on the street. I like to call the bin we have at home my "Barney Bag". The thing to remember is, you never know what you're going to need to make terrain, and you never know what kind of inspiration you might get later that will make you think "Awe shit, I really shouldn't have thrown [insert odd or end here] away!"

ONE SMALL BUT IMPORTANT NOTE: While you're tossing stuff away, be sure to take a moment to thoroughly clean out any food containers, ESPECIALLY soda cans. I tore apart some soda cans earlier and trust me, you don't have to go through the hassle of washing out that goop later on.

My "Barney Bag"

Depending on your household size, you may need to collect for a couple days, or maybe a month. Between Jesse and myself, we collected for about a month or so. Some of the items in our bin include:

• 2 Liter Soda Bottles
  
• Soda Cans
  
• Cottage Cheese Bin
  
• Cardboard Paper Towel Tube
  
• Broken Duckie Soap Dispenser
  
• Styrofoam Cups
  
• Oatmeal Box
  
• Soy Sauce Bottle
  
• Cat Food Can
  
• Assorted Tin Cans from Food Products
  
• Plastic Plant Pot
  
• Orange Juice Carton
  
• Ice Cream Carton
  
• Old Shoes
  
• Old Socks
  
• Old Jewelery
  
• Clear Shortening Container
  
• Freezer Pop Bag (red netting thing in top left)
  
• Bicycle Tire Innertube
  
• Ritz Boxes, Cereal Boxes, Ramen Boxes, etc

To be honest, I don't know exactly how much of this stuff I'm actually going to use. But that's okay; it's better to have a wide variety of junk to choose from than to find you really don't have much to work with. Besides, you can always throw away what you don't use later on.

As you can see, we mostly eat store brand stuff. That's the beauty of making terrain yourself: even impoverished souls like ourselves can afford it. It will probably be the cheapest part of your tabletop 40k experience. BUT if you don't already have an assortment of craft supplies, you may have to go on a small shopping trip.

Supplies

While you're filling your junk bin, here's an idea of the kind of craft supplies you might need. If you're missing a lot of these things, you might need to make a Wal-Mart run. I understand some of these seem like no-brainers, but not everyone has drawers and drawers of craft crap like I do, so I'm not going to take anything for granted here.

• Newspaper
  
• Paper: get colored construction paper if you can, but as long as you have paint any variety should do
  
• Assorted Brushes: DO NOT use the nice brushes you use for your models; you can buy a bag of assorted crap brushes for about $5
  
• Scissors
  
• Scotch tape
  
• Elmer's glue: you may also need to use some of your model glue
  
• Paint Palette: You can get one of these plastic, compartmentalized ones at any craft store or Wal-Mart for $0.25
  
• Ruler
  
• Acrylic Paint: DO NOT use your GW model paints, it would be a waste. DO NOT buy the glossy paint, unless you like having a glossy sheen on everything you paint. The acrylics bottles I have here were about $3-4 each. All you need is your primaries and black and white, so this shouldn't cost you more than $15-20.
  
• Stapler
  
• Box Cutter or X-Acto Knife
• Flour: if you don't cook or bake, you may not have this, so grab a 1 lb bag.
  
• Also, see that orange thing on the left? It's a mini paper-cutter. You can always use scissors, but I've found this thing is great for cutting straight strips of light cardboard. I got mine in the scrapbooking section of JoAnn's for around $15.
  
• Wooden coffee stirrers: Not a requirement, but they are very useful for decorating houses and, I'm sure many other things. Grab some if you can.

In my next post, I'll show you how to build a house, and later I'll show you a clever technique I came up with for making craters. If you have any ideas or suggestions for making terrain, or would like to see something in particular made, leave a comment on this blog and I'll incorporate it into this project.

What I Learned, Learning to Cook

Coming into the month of July, we are now about a month and a half away from a whole slew of young adults moving out of their comfort zone and into college dorms with random roommates. Most college kids will be preparing for this move by packing their belongings, ordering textbooks, going back-to-school shopping, spending lots of time with old friends, securing a new apartment, attending orientations, etc.

As a college senior who expects to be graduating this Fall, my advice to incoming freshman is this: spend some time in the kitchen with your mom before you go. This is something I often wish I had done before I ran off to college. Not only is it a great way to spend time with a parent who will desperately miss you when you leave, but also it's a great opportunity to learn some essential cooking skills. I understand many people may not be as lucky as I am as far as this learning experience goes. My mother, and my mother's father, are both cheifs, and have had experience working in the restaurant business. I have lived off home cooked meals my entire life, though I can't say I always appreciated it the way I should have. Things changed when I left for college. It wasn't long before I got disgusted by the Hot Pocket or pizza dinners every night.

If it weren't for the fact that my only mode of transportation was my bicycle, I probably would have gained a hefty freshman-20 from the kind of crap I was eating. For my roommates who had their own cars and ate the way I did, I saw the effects of that weight gain... One word: grotesque. If you're expecting to have this kind of fast food diet, don't bother yourself with having a car. But, if you'd really like to keep that fancy graduation present, start learning to cook your own meals.

There are more benefits to cooking your own meals in college than just helping you keep the pounds off.; it also helps keep your wallet fat. Consider this: $10 will get me one, maybe two meals at any given fast food joint; $10 at Wal-Mart will get me milk, margarine, eggs, and flour, and maybe some Ramen noodles. If you know how to cook, that $10 will get you a lot more than 2 measly meals. You'll need this kind of thrift once mommy and daddy cut your financial umbilical cord, so practice it before you find yourself desperately flapping your wings when you get booted from the nest.

Now, I am aware that sometimes it's very difficult to find the time to do any of your own cooking, what with all the band practice, sorority meetings, study groups, weekly clubbing, political canvassing, campus events, club tabling, and, oh yeah, classes. But keep in mind, saving money and eating healthier doesn't require fine cousine or hours slaving over a hot stovetop; it just requires a little bit of planning.

The first thing I realized when I'd finally started to settle into my first college apartment was that I didn't own a can opener. Most apartments come with a fridge and a microwave, but unless you want to live off Lean Cousine dinners for the rest of the semester, you're going to need some utensils. Wooden spoons, rubber spatulas, whisks, metal spatulas, ladels, and don't forget your can opener. There are also some pots and pans, cookie sheets, mixing bowls, casserole dishes, measuring cups, silverware, potato masher, egg slicer, egg seperator... Not to mention all the plates, cups, bowls, and tupperware you don't own. You might also need a blender, mixer, convection oven, quesedilla maker, waffle iron, George Foreman Grill... These household voids are not limited to kitchen supplies. You still need all sorts of stuff in your new bathroom. You don't even own curtains or bedsheets. Best thing to do is buy all this stuff before the move; that entire first week of school, the nearest Wal-Mart to your college will be hell, so try to avoid it if possible. In preparation for school, I saved up $1500 over the summer. The first month's rent gobbled up a huge chunk of this, and after visiting Wal-Mart and Big Lots, I only had about $100 left. Lucky for me, my mom was willing to foot the grocery bill when I cried out in despair at the realization that I didn't even have any food yet.

For all the things you need to fill your kitchen with before even thinking about cooking, it seems contrary to suggest home cooking is cheaper than fast food. However, when I needed to buy cooking supplies, I mitigated the expense by scrounging used pots and pan off my mother. Even if your parents aren't much for cooking, you can usually find a friend or relative who has a few cooking tools to throw your way.

Once I started trying to cook, I learned that fire alarms are very sensitive. If your apartment complex is even the least bit safety-conscious, your fire alarm will be connected to the fire alarm system throughout the entire building. It's pretty embarassing the first time this happens; everyone pokes their head out their door to see where the fire is, and you step outside, waving a greasy spatula: "Don't worry, everything's all right, I'm just... cooking." You don't have to have a grease fire going in order to set off the alarms; enough smoke will do. For me, I managed to get a quesedilla maker for $5 when I moved in, so I would cook strips of chicken and steak on the stove top, then store them in Ziplock bags in the freezer to use in my quesedillas later. When I could afford meat, this worked out really well. Unfortunately, I never oiled my pans well enough, so the apartment would fill with smoke and it wouldn't be long before it set the fire alarm off. Sometimes this is just unavoidable. A few ways to avoid this happening: open the windows before you start cooking, turn on the fan over the stove, AND dampen a wash cloth and drape it over the smoke alarm itself.

Eventually I realized there were only so many things I could do with Ramen noodles. At first I just ate them plain, and tried to buy a variety of flavors at the very least. It wasn't long before I didn't want to eat them at all. Then I found this book, 101 Things To Do With Ramen Noodles, at Waldenbooks. So far the only recipe I've tried is the Cheeseburger Ramen, but I intend to eventually test the Ramen Omelette recipe on my boyfriend, Jesse. I'm a rather picky eater, so there are a lot of recipes in the book that I won't even look at -- for example, the entire vegetarian section. But for someone less picky than I, it's a great resource. There's actually a whole "101 Things To Do With" cookbook series, but I've only had a chance to sample the Ramen one. The only ones I see that might be useful in college would be 101 Things To Do With Mac & Cheese and 101 Things To Do With Ground Beef. Once I got this book, my mom was quick to help fill my recipe shelf with more useful things: The Doubleday Cookbook Complete Contemporary Cooking Volume 1 (circa 1975) and Betty Crocker's Cookbook (circa 1978). She insisted on getting me the same editions she learned from.

When it comes to recipes, I learned that hand-written recipes are meant for the writer to use, an no one else It was funny, when I tried to make shepherd's pie and chipped beef on toast for the first time from my own mother's hand-written recipes, I screwed up a lot. I found myself calling her every time I started cooking, asking her to clarify something or ask how long I needed to cook this or at what temperature. (This was also part of the reason she got me the Doubleday Cookbook, so I'd stop calling her and asking so many questions. Doubleday does, in fact, have all the answers, even if you want to cook rabbit or brain.) Even using my own mother's recipes, it took several failed attempts before I really got any recipe right. It seemed like there were all sorts of tiny details that were left out; it just turned out that my mother hadn't even thought to write them down, since they were things she did almost automatically. I'm fortunate to have a boyfriend who is not much of a finicky eater, so even the lousy meals didn't go to waste. Now that I've figured out how to cook these things on my own, I've typed up the recipes and printed them on index cards for my own reference. One day I'll probably pass these cards down to my own children, and they will fuck up the recipes just as badly and as many times as I did.

White rice and ginger ale does not make Rice Krispies; sugar and yeast doesn't quite make cream soda; and the Internet is not a shortcut around kitchen catastrophes. Just because recipes you find on the Internet are more detailed than your mom's hand-written notes does not mean they are complete; indeed, Internet recipes are lacking in the aggregate wisdom mom has built up in her cooking skills over the years. No one was there to tell me how different white rice is from basmati rice; no one told me I had to use vanilla extract, not artificial vanilla flavoring, otherwise my cream soda would taste like vomit (once again, Jesse proved himself to be a brave taste-tester). The only Internet recipe I've managed to use without failing was this creamy chicken noodle soup recipe, which I also use Ramen noodles to make.

Holy shit, I forgot about the spice rack! It was actually long after I started cooking before I realized my food lacked spice. For a long time, I got by all right with just salt, pepper, and garlic. But once I got in deep enough, I found I needed thyme, ginger, cinnamon, parsley, nutmeg, lemon pepper, white pepper, cream of tartar, and all sorts of other things I'd hardly thought about until I tasted the recipes without them. Once again, my mom helped me establish my own spice rack; she donated many of her own spice bottles and set up a "starter kit" for me. If I'd had to shop for these things, I wouldn't have known what to grab. Spices can get pretty complicated; the way a great musician must be intimately familiar with the sound of each note, so too must a great cheif be familiar with the nuances of each spice. I have not quite attained this level of mastery, but I did eventually convince my mom to share with me the secret spices she puts in her banana bread (and no, I'm not telling).

One last lesson: don't cry over burnt chicken. But if you do, make sure the person you love loves you back enough to eat it. I don't know what it is, but I get very upset when I mess up a meal, though this only happens when I'm cooking for more than just myself. It means so much to me to give someone I love an enjoyable meal, I feel like I let them down when I mess it up. Jesse never did understand why I cried when the pizza didn't come out right, or when the sauce was always too watery, but he was always there for me when I needed him to eat it and enjoy it anyway. Smiling through a gooey, underbaked crust? -- now that's love.

I Can't Write If I Can't THINK

I have been wanting to write all summer, I really have. As a matter of fact, that was my goal for the summer, to revise some of my old work and take a shot and freelance work, and perhaps getting something published in a journal. But in the two months since school has let out, I have accomplished only three things: completed a $30 cross-stitch kit, finished watching over half of all the episodes of Pokemon, and achieved level 49 on FarmVille. For this, I am utterly ashamed.

But for all my lack of productivity, I don't think I'm entirely to blame. I've been looking for jobs, and even looking for places to volunteer where I can get experience I need to tack onto my resume, but naturally, with the state of the economy, no one is hiring, and apparently no one needs me to work for them for free. And perhaps it's not so much that no one is hiring, so much as my radius of job searching is limited to how far I can carry myself on my bike (and even now, that capacity is crippled, as I don't even have the funds to make repairs on either of my bikes). One hostess job was looking promising, but the opportunitiy fizzled with the realization that constant contact with a potential employer is impossible without a functioning phone.

Really, there is only so much I can do.

In the last couple weeks, I find myself unable to do anything but think about food, and where my next meal is coming from. Before that, I was worrying about paying bills, which I've all but given up on now. I've inherited some very thrifty recipes from my mother, and I can certainly stretch a dollar much farther than our government can, but once it gets to the point where My Fridge Food tells me the only thing I can make is simple sauces and tortilla bread, I find myself very grateful for the fat reserves on my thighs and boobs that will at least ensure that I won't die of starvation in the next two weeks.

It is impossible to engage in intellectual pursuits if you don't have a full fridge. This is psychology in practice. If basic needs (i.e.: food) are not met, one cannot meet one's higher needs of self actualization (i.e.: intellectual pursuits).

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs

Basically, we have an inborn system of psychological priorities. For me, this means that while I am attending to my basic and safety needs, I find it difficult, if not impossible, to attend to my self-actualization needs.

This is a very simple way of explaining why the have-nots generally don't get to go on to higher education. It's not because they are genetically inferior, or that they are stupid. It's because they're motherfucking hungry. Or, alternately, they're too preoccupied trying to figure out how to pay the rent. And when those lower needs are not met, our psychology dictates that we invest our energies into addressing those problems. Really, how can anyone expect someone in poverty to analyze Poe or practice calculus when their mind is fully engaged in calculating where they can scrounge up next month's rent or analyzing their meal options when all they have is flour, margarine, a jar of pickles, and a can of baked beans? Sometimes just getting by is the most challenging intellectual pursuit a person can face.

I don't think it's enough to think about this as intellectuals. What I'm saying is obvious to anyone who has studied the least bit of psychology, or who is the least bit sympathetic to the plight of the poor. It is one thing to think and to teach that poverty is not deserved -- these kind of ideas are little more than platitudes. Teaching like this leads to good-hearted organizations investing energy in hopeless endeavors such as occassionally feeding the homeless (I'm looking at you, SDS). What we need is more starving intellectuals.

The intellectuals who task themselves with solving huge problems like hunger, poverty, and homelessness are all too often lightyears from understanding how entangling these problems are when they are actually your own problems. They don't realize how close they can be to these problems. They don't think that people in situations similar to them could be starving, because they themselves never went without. When charities raise money to feed the hungry, the struggling families a block away know the charity is not working for them. No organization that promised to feed the hungry ever cooked a meal and served it to me. When good-hearted people think to help feed the hungry, they look across oceans before they think to look in their own backyards.

There are a handful of projects I know of that do look to their despairing neighbors. The first that comes to my mind is the food pantry at UCF, where students can donate food for other students who aren't doing as well. As of yet, I have not had an opportunity to visit the food pantry. Every time I had occassion to, it was during the spring or fall semester when I had at least some financial aid at my disposal. I doubt it's even open now during the summer, when I really need it. The problem with this project is that it isn't big enough, or even visible enough. Grassroots effort never are. But at the very least, it's on the right track.

Well, that's the only project I can think of. Feel free to inform me of any others.

So, I am at the end of my rant, I've completely run out of steam. The only reason I was able to do this much was because I needed to do something to distract myself from my own despair. I've really run out of options as far as food goes. I was even considering finding a panhandler to barter with earlier this evening, going so far as to construct an ellaborate, albeit imaginary, system wherein beggars bring me their winnings for the day in exchange for homemade meals. I'm really getting a little crazy here.

Go Stewie Go

Heidi Rae Hosmer
WST 3015
3/17/10


A Feminist Analysis of Family Guy
In the Family Guy episode "Go Stewie Go", one of the main plot points involves Lois feeling belittled by Peter's comments about her age. When Meg's boyfriend, Anthony, makes flattering comments toward Lois, she later gets caught making out with him. When she confesses to Peter, Peter tells her he was only making fun of her age because he didn't want her to notice how old and fat he was getting.

When Lois turns to Bonnie for advice about her feelings for Anthony, she is told that it is okay, even perfectly normal, for her to explore her sexuality. This endorsement of adultery challenges the traditional belief that women should have only one partner, and should remain untouched by anyone but their husbands (Kirk and Okazawa-Rey 150). The conflict of the story also recognizes Lois as not just a sexless mother as many TV shows portray women, but as a woman with sexual needs.

Unfortunately, Lois seems to accept Peter's objectification of her. She tolerates his comments, and when they become abusive, she feels "worthless" because she's not sexy enough for him. This problem is eventually resolved when Peter reveals that he was being immature and projecting, hoping she wouldn't notice his deficiencies by trying to draw her attention to her own.

The relationship between Meg and Lois becomes very unusual when Meg catches her mother making out with her boyfriend. After the encounter, Lois goes to Meg's room to talk to her about what happened and apologize. What at first appears to be a set-up for a mother-daughter discussion, turns into Meg pounding her chest over what she would do to keep her man. Suddenly, instead of seeing her mother as a mother, Meg sees Lois as competition for sexual attentions. She ridicules Lois's age, implying that she is not capable of "stealing" her boyfriend from her because she is so old, and unattractive for it. Even though Meg seems to maintain the perception of older women as sexless, she still behaves threatened by her mother's advances on her boyfriend.

While Lois is busy with her little affair, Stewie is attending an audition for a children's TV show. Lois is rarely portrayed as his primary caregiver, and in fact he is never with her during this episode. Instead, he is watched after by Brian, the family dog. While this may not be realistic, it promotes the idea that a family can have other caregivers watching after children, even male caregivers. Like many women caregivers, Brian is not compensated for his childcare services. If it weren't for the fact that he was a dog and didn't have to work, he might face discrimination in his pay for taking time away from work to care for a baby (Crittenden 343)

Overall, Family Guy seems to challenge some of the stereotypes of motherhood and childcare, and portray relationships in more unconventional ways. But it does so often in very bizarre ways.


Word Count: 489

Crittenden,Ann. "The Mommy Tax". Women's Lives: Multicultural Perspectives. New York: New York University Press, 2007. 337-345. Print.

Kirk, Gwyn, and Okazawa-Rey, Margo. Women's Lives: Multicultural Perspectives. 5th ed. Boston, MA: McGraw-Hill, 2010. 150. Print.

Goodbye Earl: Domestic Violence and Murder

Heidi Rae Hosmer
WST 3015
3/14/10


A Feminist Analysis of "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks


Dixie Chick's song "Goodbye Earl" is one I remember very well, having grown up on country music. I even remember the controversy surrounding this song, how the radio D.J.s would take callers and listen to their input on whether or not the song should even be played on their station. Mothers and fathers were concerned children might hear the song and become confused, and think killing their abuser was an appropriate response to violence (domestic or otherwise). Others noted the Dixie Chicks' tongue-in-cheek tone, and how, if a child was old enough to understand the lyrics, they were old enough to know it was "just a song."

At the time I sided with the listeners who took the song very lightly. In fact, I still do. But I have a better idea of where the concerned parents were coming from. Though in the song Wanda escapes her domestic abuse situation, she only does so by escalating the violence and becoming the abuser. She and Mary Ann didn't batter and hospitalize Earl the way he did to Wanda, but killed him through the much more passive method of poisoning. This action isn't as blatantly, fist-to-face violent as Earl's abuse was, but even still it qualifies as intimate partner violence (Seely 187-189).

The song also has undertones implying that Earl was unwanted, unimportant, and even sub-human. The verse "[I]t turns out he was a missing person who nobody missed at all" minimizes the weight of the crime committed by these women. Just because he was a man, did not mean he was incapable of being victimized. In fact, the assumption that men are not victims of intimate partner violence is probably the reason the law enforcement in the song did not look into his disappearance.

If Wanda's case were to go to trial, Earl's body found and the women accused of murder, her attorney may have made references to "battered women syndrome" (Kirk and Okazawa-Rey 264) and called experts to testify that Wanda suffered from this affliction. They would have claimed Wanda saw no other way out of her situation. this would only minimize Wanda's responsibility for her actions, and lay all the blame on Mary Ann, who could not be suffering similarly since she was not the victim of abuse. Wanda would more than likely receive minimal punishment, and be perceived as just as weak as if she were still being battered.

"Goodbye Earl" can easily be mistaken as empowering and feminist, but feminism is not about taking the law into our own hands and becoming the victimizer instead of the victim. It is about ending violence, against men and women, and changing the laws to make them more effective to that end. Some women who heard this song may have sympathized with these characters, and felt empowered to take control of their situation with a domestic partner. If so, I can only hope they chose to do so legally.

Word Count: 489

Seely, Megan. Fight Like a Girl: How to be a Fearless Feminist. New York: New York University Press, 2007. 187-189. Print.

Kirk, Gwyn, and Okazawa-Rey, Margo. Women's Lives: Multicultural Perspectives. 5th ed. Boston, MA: McGraw-Hill, 2010. 264. Print.