I Can't Write If I Can't THINK

I have been wanting to write all summer, I really have. As a matter of fact, that was my goal for the summer, to revise some of my old work and take a shot and freelance work, and perhaps getting something published in a journal. But in the two months since school has let out, I have accomplished only three things: completed a $30 cross-stitch kit, finished watching over half of all the episodes of Pokemon, and achieved level 49 on FarmVille. For this, I am utterly ashamed.

But for all my lack of productivity, I don't think I'm entirely to blame. I've been looking for jobs, and even looking for places to volunteer where I can get experience I need to tack onto my resume, but naturally, with the state of the economy, no one is hiring, and apparently no one needs me to work for them for free. And perhaps it's not so much that no one is hiring, so much as my radius of job searching is limited to how far I can carry myself on my bike (and even now, that capacity is crippled, as I don't even have the funds to make repairs on either of my bikes). One hostess job was looking promising, but the opportunitiy fizzled with the realization that constant contact with a potential employer is impossible without a functioning phone.

Really, there is only so much I can do.

In the last couple weeks, I find myself unable to do anything but think about food, and where my next meal is coming from. Before that, I was worrying about paying bills, which I've all but given up on now. I've inherited some very thrifty recipes from my mother, and I can certainly stretch a dollar much farther than our government can, but once it gets to the point where My Fridge Food tells me the only thing I can make is simple sauces and tortilla bread, I find myself very grateful for the fat reserves on my thighs and boobs that will at least ensure that I won't die of starvation in the next two weeks.

It is impossible to engage in intellectual pursuits if you don't have a full fridge. This is psychology in practice. If basic needs (i.e.: food) are not met, one cannot meet one's higher needs of self actualization (i.e.: intellectual pursuits).

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs

Basically, we have an inborn system of psychological priorities. For me, this means that while I am attending to my basic and safety needs, I find it difficult, if not impossible, to attend to my self-actualization needs.

This is a very simple way of explaining why the have-nots generally don't get to go on to higher education. It's not because they are genetically inferior, or that they are stupid. It's because they're motherfucking hungry. Or, alternately, they're too preoccupied trying to figure out how to pay the rent. And when those lower needs are not met, our psychology dictates that we invest our energies into addressing those problems. Really, how can anyone expect someone in poverty to analyze Poe or practice calculus when their mind is fully engaged in calculating where they can scrounge up next month's rent or analyzing their meal options when all they have is flour, margarine, a jar of pickles, and a can of baked beans? Sometimes just getting by is the most challenging intellectual pursuit a person can face.

I don't think it's enough to think about this as intellectuals. What I'm saying is obvious to anyone who has studied the least bit of psychology, or who is the least bit sympathetic to the plight of the poor. It is one thing to think and to teach that poverty is not deserved -- these kind of ideas are little more than platitudes. Teaching like this leads to good-hearted organizations investing energy in hopeless endeavors such as occassionally feeding the homeless (I'm looking at you, SDS). What we need is more starving intellectuals.

The intellectuals who task themselves with solving huge problems like hunger, poverty, and homelessness are all too often lightyears from understanding how entangling these problems are when they are actually your own problems. They don't realize how close they can be to these problems. They don't think that people in situations similar to them could be starving, because they themselves never went without. When charities raise money to feed the hungry, the struggling families a block away know the charity is not working for them. No organization that promised to feed the hungry ever cooked a meal and served it to me. When good-hearted people think to help feed the hungry, they look across oceans before they think to look in their own backyards.

There are a handful of projects I know of that do look to their despairing neighbors. The first that comes to my mind is the food pantry at UCF, where students can donate food for other students who aren't doing as well. As of yet, I have not had an opportunity to visit the food pantry. Every time I had occassion to, it was during the spring or fall semester when I had at least some financial aid at my disposal. I doubt it's even open now during the summer, when I really need it. The problem with this project is that it isn't big enough, or even visible enough. Grassroots effort never are. But at the very least, it's on the right track.

Well, that's the only project I can think of. Feel free to inform me of any others.

So, I am at the end of my rant, I've completely run out of steam. The only reason I was able to do this much was because I needed to do something to distract myself from my own despair. I've really run out of options as far as food goes. I was even considering finding a panhandler to barter with earlier this evening, going so far as to construct an ellaborate, albeit imaginary, system wherein beggars bring me their winnings for the day in exchange for homemade meals. I'm really getting a little crazy here.